Putting It Out in the World

I have heard a lot of people say, "if you repeat affirmations they'll come true. " Or, "You know that book, The Secret? If you put out in the world that you are going to do something, then it'll come back to you, (or whatever)." I usually don't pay any attention to that kind of stuff because I'm not one to have blind faith in anything.... however, aren't they all just the grown-up way of wishing on a star? I think so, and the Disney kid in me says- "Yea, it works!"


So here I am. I am writing this blog post today with the express purpose of this very thing happening. Call it wishing, affirming, what-have-you.


This summer I am going to spend my vacation in Europe. The end. I think if I wrote, "I hope" to spend it in Europe then I might be tempting the fates not to allow me. Since I am master of my destiny, I would like to think if I say "I WILL" then I must.


Here are some things I am using to set my plan in motion:


I have proposed to the universe the fact that this is my intention.


I have taken 3 tutoring positions- 2 in school and 1 particular and I MUST save that money in my savings account to have for the trip.


I have alerted all the friends and family that I have who live in Europe to the fact that I will be there. (So as to have people to visit with and to provide for room and board.)


I have told all my friends I am going instead of making a list of friends who I would like to come with and asking them if they'd go with me, because if that was the case, if no-one said yes, I would be put off and end up cancelling.


Made up my mind that if I go alone, I go alone (not in the Taken film kind of alone, but alone nonetheless). If someone decides to come with, I am more than happy to take them on but if it's just me- so be it. I am actually looking forward to it with or without someone. (This bit sounds like I'm lonely, but really I'm writing it to show how independent I am-FAIL)


Lastly, I WILL,MUST,SHALL, never waiver under any circumstances on my goal. Europe it is. OR else. I don't know if I could forgive myself if I didn't go to Europe this summer. I am single, I have the means (sort of) and I'm young, when could be a better time?


I don't have any whole-hearted plans on coming back engaged to some Italian guy... (I want a Scot or Irish guy instead- just kidding. Sort of.) I know movies like P.S. I Love You and the like promote the fairytale that a girl goes abroad and meets the man of her dreams and then moves back with him stateside, and I certainly respect the fact that the probability of that happening is miniscule. But I did garnish the hope that maybe- and hell, if I'm PUTTING it out there in the world I am going to Europe, why not include me some true love?




I will go to Europe- however, the stops are a bit fuzzy. I have family in Spain, and Germany. I have friends in Estonia, and England. I want to visit, France and Italy. And all of the UK. And Switzerland and Austria. That's the only snag, but I am sure I'll figure it out I have till June 2010 to sort it out. And it's ok if I don't see everything. I'll be able to go again! OF COURSE!


What else can I project into the universe? Eternal health and beauty? Just kidding. I just want to live a long, happy, prosperous, loving, life. I want to share happiness with my friends and family as long as life will let me.


Alright, that said and done it's time to get on Expedia.com and book some travel. (Or at least glance at it.)

Cool Weather

It's a cool 60-something degrees on this beautiful Sunday morning. Golly, (yes, I just used that term) it sure is nice to wake up bundled up in your sheets with the fresh outdoor air brushing your cheek (CHEESE-AY! But soooo nice).

Yester-DAY was super hot and I wondered, goodness are we ever going to get to experience a little bit of autumn weather in Miami? Well, not exactly but close enough. We went from burning up like the lady in Terminator, to Chilly Willy. It's not ideal but it's so relaxing. I love seasons. And as Daniel Tosh says, "That's why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones." I don't necessarily think there are such, but Miami is kind of a two weather-ed animal. HOT/RAINY or COOL/VERGE OF COLD. I enjoy all of these. I do wish I got to see leaves change but I have the comfort of knowing it's happening right now somewhere. (I close my eyes to hear a lone leaf fall off a redwood.- Ah, if only.)

I'm sitting in the master bedroom staring out my 5th floor window and I see lots of green, maybe a smidge of yellow, but I feel the cold air. Fall has at last come to Miami. It might be shortlived but break out your turtle necks and long boots. Even if it's just for a day.

Sitting here typing with my purple fingers, I feel at peace. It's Sunday, there's no school for the kids tomorrow and so I'll enjoy some quiet time to catch up on grading... in essence I am not concerned about whether I'm behind on something or my lesson plans haven't been drawn up yet. I know I am the architect of my destiny and I will get these things done. As a friend of mine likes to say, "Future Elaine will deal with this." It's not a nod to procrastination, it's an awareness that I will do what needs to be done but right now I have to enjoy what's happening. I'm exhilarated, not sleepy, I am kind of in the mood to kick back in a hoodie at the beach. But I think I'll sit here. Still.

I hate getting all hippie-like. But I am just feeling it, man! So great to not let everyday tedious stresses get to you, especially when we're all full to the brim of crazy on an everyday basis.

I've come to learn that there are three sounds I love.

Silence- because I notice I don't come by enough of it anymore. There's something soothing about complete silence, if you don't let it scare you.

Great conversation- because nothing is as engaging as listening to your parents talk about their youth, or historical facts about people and places you love, or reminiscing or hatching new plans of adventure with friends.

Music- when you don't necassarily want to turn to anyone or don't want to think about anything specific; immersing yourself in music is probably the greatest place on Earth to go. Regardless of the songs, Metallica, 50 Cent, Mariah Carey, or Enya. Music is universal and it helps you create your own personal universe.

I feel so at ease, I wonder if I'm on a trip of some sort? (SAY NO TO DRUGS KIDS!!!)

NO Twitter, No Facebook, or Myspace updates to send out, my phone is on vibrate in another room of the house. Even my little doggie is lounging.

Two words: Good Times.

Swine Flu

I hate to have to discuss this topic but it seems to be on everyone's tongue. I don't know much but I know I hate the flu... sang to the old school tune by Aaron Neville.


After my last post, literally the day after, I became so violently ill, I missed school for nearly a week! Did I have swine flu? Probably not. Please, remember folks, regular ole no-name flu can kill you too- swine flu is just like it's roided out cousin.


I doubt anyone likes getting sick and least of all when their isn't a caring, nurturing someone to baby you like Danny Tanner took care of Stephanie in that episode she kept proclaiming, "I'm siiiiiiiiiiick." I feel you girl!


I'll spare you the gory details but I was not a happy camper- especially because I'd had such an amazing night before the fevers, chills, and being debilitated.


Anyway, I was out of comission for a week, but I'm good now, and it certainly isn't my excuse for not writing in nearly a month. The real reason is, I didn't want to make my posts like a journal- I wanted to write insightful, humorous tidbits for all to enjoy. That is why I started (after a suggestion from a friend) to write "Morning Pages." She told me to grab a little journal write what's stuffing up my brain for 3 pages and not look back. I have found this exercise to be welcome and at the same time slow to become a habit. I miss a couple days and then out of guilt I write 9 pages... I can't go on like that! It's not the point! But it certainly does clear up clogs. I remember things better. I have more calm in my day to day, I'm happy to write. Hopefully, I can pick it up and do it everyday (although to be honest mine are more "evening pages" than anything else.)


Anyway this was just a bit of a spew post- where I wrote a couple random thoughts. Swine flu and "morning pages" have no relation except that they are both constants in my life one is visual and one auditory.

Simple Pleasures

Let's face it. Sometimes I can't wait until Saturday night to call up my few single remaining girlfriends, doll ourselves up, and go out for a crazy night of adventure! Who doesn't? However, there are those rare Saturdays where you don't want to do anything, and it turns out you do a whole lot of it and it is more amazing than the inevitable aftermath of a night out with the girls (ie. sore feet from dancing in fancy heels).

This Saturday was just that for me. My aforementioned single girlfriends are out of town, and it's a nice rainy day. I woke up and read, then, I watched some US Open.
Later, my mother prepared a delicious "carne con papas" including a new ingredient: carrots! What a hit! For her and me. My father not a fan. Then I went and listened to my ipod on shuffle, how great! All the songs where lazy Saturday kind of songs, not too new, not too fast, not to going out-sy. Great vibe. Took a nap, woke up set the dishwasher, and sat down to write a little about how happy, calm, and relaxed I am. Turned the ipod back on, my mom has joined me on the couch. She's reading a book, I'm writing, jamming, and enjoying the simplicity of it all.

I have to admit other times this scenario might drive me up the wall. Sometimes I rather be out and CAN'T and that creates a fowl mood. But when the CHOICE is to stay in; it's a whole different scene.

Sometimes on nights like these, I like to go out on my balcony barefoot and rock myself gently on the ratty chairs my parents have out there. I listen to the sounds of life as it passes by or I watch it through the soundtrack of my ipod. I feel that when things are shitty, if I take a moment to let silence simmer, it sets a different tone in me and things usually get better.

Also, I sometimes can't decide what I like better, the sound of music or complete silence. I love sitting in the dark in my living room completely quiet except for the low hum of the fridge and the air-conditioner. But music paints such a pretty picture.

I love music. I love how there's so much of it, I love how diverse. I love how it transcends time. I listen to the music my parents heard as kids, the music American boys and girls heard BEFORE my parent's time, I listen to what I liked growing up and music I get introduced to now. It's ineffable! Throw a couple Disney soundtracks and whoo! I'm transported. My mother gets upset because I seem to go elsewhere being right in her presence.

Maybe tomorrow this laid-back mood will continue. It might and maybe I'll kick it up a bit by singing. A passion of mine as people who paint pull out easels on Sunday morning and are inspired by a sunrise, or a writer types up a short story or essay. I wish I didn't have crippling stage fright, I may have pursued a career in it. I guess someday it might change, I don't want to get all American Idol on you suddenly. Until then, I'll continue to receive the kind words from those who have had the rare chance to listen to me regail them with my voice. I always like to think that the fairies who gave Princess Aurora her 3 gifts also gave me the gift of song!

Who knows- maybe you could be the next to hear me and tell me what you think!
Since that's unlikely for now, I guess I'll just keep singing in the closet. Literally. It's so refreshing, exhilerating and liberating. That will be my to-do list for tomorrow. "Listen to music and sing."

What could be a better rainy weekend?

Tonight

In lieu of an evening tainted by inclement weather, I cleaned my room, and in turn cleansed my soul. Nice, huh? It's not exactly what happened but I did rediscover old souvenirs and put a piece to the puzzle that is ME, in place.

My father is a carpenter. He makes a living working with his hands, he's supported his family his whole life, and this back-breaking work is this man's hobby. I find the same is true for me. My hobby is reading and writing and the art of languages (not just English) and teaching it, which is heart-breaking work at times, is a hobby.

As I am in my room tonight, I was merely looking for the second cordless phone that disappeared once we finished the refurbishment and moved to this house. I said I would call someone and my telephone had no service. I decided to look for this in the one place I knew it would not be- under my bed. My father very lovingly made that bed so I would not sleep in my closet as I had been since we had moved. Unfortunately, he's not a bed carpenter. The bed is made of white-painted plywood, is low to the ground, and has 4 drawers (filled with papers I have kept over the years and will attempt to go through another day), with a lid of sorts where my mattress sleeps. I am terrible at literal description so I hope you're following me here. Under the part where I lay my head is nothing but a giant gap, and in that void (before I had shelves), I stowed all my books and that's where I intended to search for the phone.

Did I know I wouldn't find it? Yes. Did I remember everything I would see? No. Sure I remembered there are a lot of dictionaries, grammar books, and a couple of books I could not bring myself to sell back to the university, but I completely forgot that this is where I stored 2 shoe boxes containing memorabilia from what seems like a previous life.

I pushed away the lid (imagine if you will, Indiana Jones) and there was my treasure. Wow! I love books, I found two editions of Charlotte's Web, The Complete Works of Christopher Marlowe, The Anthology of British Literature, The History of French Literature (in French), among many, many others. Some books are for pleasure and some just to make me feel smart. Instantly, my mood changed. Instead of thinking about all the things I have to do or the things I didn't do, or have yet to do, all I could think of is making time for myself to read the books I haven't read. It's so amazing what love of literature can do for a person; instant comfort.

Then, I look at the boxes. Two innocuous boxes sitting there. I pried one open, inside: my graduation tassels, my prom frame (empty- I have no photographic documentation of the evening) and a photo album. Lo and behold, Backstreet Boys concert pictures. BAM! Instant transportation to my freshman year of high school, but I didn't care for these pictures, I keep flipping, and there are pictures of me at the beach with some friends and a brief stint I did as  a blue-eyed girl... I looked nice, but it wasn't me.

Continue on to the next box. MOTHERLOAD. JACKPOT. Whatever you want to call it. Here I found 3 albums and 1 diary. My super un-Cuban "quinces," my high school pictures at the ceremony before graduation, at graduation, and  other random pictures spanning the ages 13-18. At 26, I feel reasonably young, but taking a look at these pictures made me feel so much older. I don't know, I can see innocence on the very face that is mine; such vulnerability; carefreeness.

Then the diary. I teach language arts, and if I had to be graded on this sucker, I would give me a low C. I read it and I felt like I didn't speak English. The grammar, the spelling, the conventions- all the things I look for now, atrocious! But there was some merit, some of my vocabulary was very advanced. Given it was my FIRST diary ever, and I had it from 6th grade (around the time I moved back from New Jersey to Miami) until 8th grade.

But it wasn't the writing errors that threw me for a loop. It was the content. I wrote silly things, Anne Frank-like things, and boy, was I a NERD! (Still am, but I like to think I have toned it DOWN!) I had forgotten I got a boy suspended for 3 days for spanking me on the rear during PE. Geez! Another entry was how insightful I was about who was my "true friend" and who was acting. I think I documented the time I actually acquired the skill to choose who would be good for me to have in my life and who was not! Incredible. 

It also shows how much I love my family. I wrote a lot about my younger brother and how close we were and all the games we played together. I'd jump in a volcano for that guy.

But most of all, I saw how those things shaped who I am today. It's crazy how life passes by and everything little thing makes one who they are. I know I am ever-changing because of simple things like a photograph and a diary. 

Isn't it crazy? It definitely blows my mind. It's very bittersweet.

I highly suggest taking a trip down memory lane. I have most indubitably become a better writer, a more worrisome person, a more cynical viewer of the world, a more melancholy person, one who pines, and so many other things. I don't know if I am a better PERSON, but I am different.

I would like to find that carefree girl, that nerd, that adaptable girl and keep her present instead of buried under my pillow and a wooden lid. I think it might give me a different perspective- a different outlook on things. I didn't lose the person I was, I just left her behind.

I did realize, good or bad, I love my life. When it's good it's breath-taking and when it's bad it's paralyzing, but only long enough for introspection and with realization comes wisdom to know how to look for good in crappy situations. It doesn't always come in a moment, but for me, I was able to see a piece of it tonight.

Forgive me for being all over the place, but I feel the way I am writing. Thoughts just keep surfacing and surging in my mind and if I don't get them written, I might lose them, and that would be a waste of a perfectly pensive evening.

Goodnight all.